


Recovery

by CanadianFreakshow



Series: Reaching Out [4]
Category: Cyborg 009
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholism Recovery, Gen, Group Therapy, I have some years of therapy under my belt, I tried to be as open and real when writing this as I can, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Relapse, The entire cyborg crew just wants GB to be okay, Therapy, Written by an actual alcoholic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22345708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanadianFreakshow/pseuds/CanadianFreakshow
Summary: After a terrifying relapse, an ultimatum from his boyfriend, and an intervention from the cyborg crew, GB takes the terrifying first steps to recovery by attending his first addictive behaviour recovery meeting. At first, he thinks that he’ll show up to a couple of meetings to make everyone happy again, but it quickly becomes something much more difficult...and helps to change his life for the better.
Relationships: 007 | Great Britain/006 | Chang Changku
Series: Reaching Out [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1417912
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	1. Sober

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written a cyborg 009 fic and once again, surprise surprise it’s about GB’s alcoholism, only this time it’s different. In the past, I’ve only written small 1k one-shots about it and never gave a lot of depth into the problem itself. This is because in the past, though I did deal with minor addiction, I never knew what it was like to be an alcoholic going through the recovery process. That, unfortunately, has changed. In the time between the last time, I wrote for this fandom and now I have had the horrible experience of dealing with alcoholism first hand and wanted to use GB as a way to encourage not only a therapeutic aid and a push to actually take a large part in my own recovery, but also to help educate on the ins and outs of what it’s like to not only deal with this problem but to also try and gain the independence to help yourself with it. I have read many fics about characters recovering from alcoholism, but never any written by someone who actually experienced it themselves so I’m here to change that.  
> Disclaimer/Trigger Warning: I am absolutely in no way a mental health professional and definitely not an addictions specialist. Everything I know here is from my friends at Smart Recovery whose program will be heavily referenced in this fic as well as my therapy. I am only affiliated with them by the fact that I attend their meetings and use their program in my day-to-day life. I only know how things work here in Canada, but smart is an international organization so I hope it won’t be that much different. For the purpose of ease and more realism, this fic will be using the fanon name of “Grant Brighton” for GB. A bit of a trigger warning here is that this fic will be heavily mentioning drug and alcohol abuse, mental health issues including small mentions of suicidal thoughts and behaviours, abuse, panic attacks, some characters may speak of time in jail, homelessness, divorce, and living in sober living houses. Any similarities to real people are completely accidental and are in a way that will not be able to identify anyone as confidentiality in these meetings are incredibly important.

GB stared distantly into his cup of coffee as he slouched at the kitchen table, attempting to ignore his pounding headache. All he wanted was to be able to sneak away from the mixture of pitying looks that he could almost feel burning into his back. Unfortunately, after last night, nobody cared about what he wanted, only what he needed, which was to be watched. He’ll admit it was a lousy idea--now everyone was upset--and he should have been more careful about it. Did he regret it though? Kind of? That’s not the point. 

GB was thrown out of his thoughts by the squeaking of the chair across from him, bracing himself as Chang hesitantly sat down. They stared at each other for a few moments. Chang was trying to hold back his tears. GB knew what that looked like and every time it broke his heart. This time especially. GB shrank back a bit and returned his gaze to his now cold cup of coffee, trying to avoid eye contact.

“GB honey?” Chang said gently, breaking what had become a deafening silence. GB opened his mouth to reply but found that no words came. So instead, he opted to begin shaking slightly, silently wrapping his arms around himself. After a few moments of waiting, with what GB could only assume was practiced patience, Chang pushed further. 

“Grant, sweetie. We need to talk.” 

GB gulped. The use of his first name never meant anything good in general, but next to the classic breakup phrase it was horrifying.

“You don’t have to say anything right now, but I need to get this out in the open.” 

He allowed himself a nod and a small hum in acknowledgement--his words were still out of commission.

Chang stared at his thumbs and twiddled them mindlessly. The small nervous habit made GB’s chest constrict with panic. A million catastrophic thoughts suddenly bubbled up in his mind, all surrounding the feeling that this was it. He was getting dumped and then he’d be alone and homeless once more and he’d have to start from scratch all because he’s a terrible person and this is his fault, and he deserves this. 

“GB… what happened last night wasn’t okay. At all.” 

GB squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled sharply in a futile attempt to stem the tidal wave of panic that was threatening to drown him. He remembered very little of the night before other than numbness, the taste of alcohol and vomit, and the fearful voices of his family members. He didn’t remember the particulars of what was said, but he knew they’d been terrified for his life. He also couldn’t remember anything that he’d said either and, well, drunken rambling is only funny until it turns into sobbing and begging people not to hate you. 

“You know how much I love you, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but...” he paused as if he was gathering strength, “If you ever drink like that again--make me terrified for your life again... I’m sorry but I couldn’t take it. I want to make us work, but that’d be it. It’s too much to ask of a person Grant...” 

By now, GB could hear the tears in his boyfriend’s voice and he snapped his head up at the sound. Then the meanings of the words began to sink in and his eyes grew wide as all the breath left his body. A million more horrible thoughts flooded his mind, worsened by the fact that they were now fueled by newly justified fear. 

“Please, please get help, honey. I don’t--I don’t want to have to lose you. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to walk away for my health or...worse...” 

Chang shuddered slightly, his mind clearly having gone to a dark place and GB felt sick to his stomach for causing him to even think about that. 

Beside them, GB heard the door creak open as seven faces cautiously peered in. The moment Chang waved them in, they all filed into the kitchen. Some of them--Jet--hopped up on top of the counters (much to Chang’s clear dismay) while others stood by the doorway. Everyone was silent for a moment, trying to gather their thoughts as well as avoiding being the first to speak. Joe, however, looked as if he had a lot to say if his relentless fidgeting was any indication. But when he opened his mouth to speak, he was interrupted by a stern look from Françoise. Something told GB that they’d talked about things beforehand.

Instead, it was Albert who was the first to speak. This wasn’t surprising, ever since they first met he’d always been a supportive shoulder to lean on, but that didn’t make it any less touching of a gesture. 

“All we want is for you to get better 007. I know you’ve been struggling with this for a very long time. I know it’s painful. Last night though... it was too much. We could’ve lost you. We’ve been through too much together for us to lose you to this.”

Albert looked choked up for a moment before seeming to swallow his emotions and put up his normal tough front. The rest of them nodded in solemn agreement before Françoise spoke up. 

“Please don’t just do this for us because you don’t want to lose anyone GB... do it for Sophie’s memory, and most importantly, do it for yourself. You deserve to be happy and healthy. You’re a kind and wonderful person and we love you way too much to see you hurt the way you did last night..” 

His heart immediately ached at the mention of his former love’s name and his mouth ran dry. He knew she was right, he knew they were all right, but that didn’t make the situation any easier. 

Surprisingly, it was Jet who spoke up next. ”We all have our demons 007, and we all have to deal with them, but drinking isn’t going to solve any of that.” 

Finally, GB looked up and scanned across all of his friend’s faces, all plastered with their own form of a concerned expression. He then looked back at Chang whose face was betraying every emotion he knew his partner was feeling. They locked gazes for a few moments before it was interrupted by the sound of a paper sliding across the table in front of him by Pyunma. 

”A few of us found this flier a while ago but weren’t sure if we should give it to you. I think now is as appropriate a time as it’ll ever get.” 

GB looked down at the piece of paper and read what it entailed. The words ”gain independence from your addictive behaviour” caught his eye and he snapped his head up. 

”You want me to go to some…cheesy AA meeting and what? What do I do? Just casually mention that I’m a cyborg and get us into trouble?” He glared slightly at his comrades completely unbelieving at the whole situation he was in. 

His anger immediately dissipated as Dr. Gilmore sternly spoke up. ”That’s not why you drink and you know it 007. Your problems stem from long before you became a cyborg and those are what you need to work through.” 

GB knew that he was right, that they were all right. The truth though, was that he was terrified. He had spent the last 20 some odd years trying to run away from his problems but it seemed that wasn’t working anymore. Not that it ever had. He knew he needed to make a change but the thought made his chest seize and made it hard to breathe. He wasn’t hyperventilating but it wasn’t comfortable all the same. 

GB felt gentle hands touch his own and looked up to see his boyfriend giving him a reassuring touch. ”5 meetings. That’s all we’re asking of you. 5 meetings in a row and then if you decide the group isn’t for you then we’ll figure something else out. Okay?” 

GB let out a defeated breath and stared at their hands. He debated saying no and pushing everyone away like the voice in his head constantly told him to do but the thought of losing his family and especially Chang… He couldn’t do it. He forced a small, sad smile and slowly nodded. 

”Okay. 5 meetings. I promise.” Everyone in the room let out relieved breaths and beamed, backing out to give GB some space after the confrontation and give the two some privacy. 

”I’m sorry. Last night wasn’t fair to you. Or the others.” Every part of GB shook with terror. It seemed every time things like this happened the fear of being alone part of him kicked in. Some times it caused self-sabotage and others it brought out his needy, clingy side. This time it was the latter. Their hands still touching, GB tightened his grip and pulled Chang’s hands to his mouth. 

”I don’t want to lose you. You mean too much to me for that to happen. Please don’t go.” 

Tears began to fall down GB’S cheeks and he heard a small sad noise come from his partner. Before he knew it, the small man had pulled him into a right embrace. 

”I don’t want to lose you either Grant…I just want you to get better. You’re sick honey, you’re sick and it’s not going to get better any other way than to face it.” 

GB continued to cry for a while after that, but Chang let him do so for as long as he needed to. When he finished, Chang ordered him to help him with breakfast and they went on with their day as per (sort of) usual. 

*********************************************************************** 

Days later, GB stood outside of the building that the address on the slip of paper had led him to. Chang, of course, drove him, and GB didn’t dare argue. He knew the trust between them needed to be built back up before Chang would be less anxious to let him out of his sight. If it was anyone else, it would annoy GB, but the ultimatum was still fresh and he loved Chang too much to fight.

The building in front of him had a surprising look to it considering it was where a support group was supposedly held in. There seemed to be two different entrance doors, one near the ground and one that a large ramp led up to. He tried the ground floor one first, found that it was locked and then walked up the large ramp. He had arrived fairly early (as Chang didn’t want to chance him being late) and when he finished his trek up the ramp, he found that the door was locked as well. He peered through the glass and couldn’t catch a single glimpse of anyone inside. He shrugged and decided to lean against the railing of the ramp assuming that either someone would show up eventually, or wouldn’t. Simple as that.

It wasn’t as if he wanted to be here anyway. The only reason he even came is that everyone begged him to. He hated upsetting everyone. If it were up to him, he would’ve just apologized and aimed to work harder in the future to hide it better. Luckily it was only 5 weeks of this silliness before he could hightail it out of there and move on with his life.

It only took a couple of minutes before someone noticed him and unlocked the door. The woman apologized and pointed to a sign-in sheet to write his name and time of arrival, which he did so before another woman led him to a room near the back of the building. She was fairly tall, thin and had dark hair. 

The room was very reminiscent of a conference room, the only difference being that a few motivational posters were littering the walls. They weren’t quite like those kitten “hang in there” posters, but it was close enough to be honestly nauseating.

As he sat down, the lady smiled and handed him a fairly thick book that said “Smart Recovery Handbook” at the top. Below stated “Tools and strategies to help you on your recovery journey. Building and maintaining motivation. Coping with urges. Managing thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Living a balanced life.”

GB raised his eyebrows at the title. These were pretty hefty claims that they said they could help with and honestly by the looks of the title they made it look so easy and simple. He scoffed under his breath.

“Would you like to watch our introductory video? You have a bit of time before the meeting starts at 7:00.”

GB checked his watch and sure enough, it was only 6:43. He shrugged his shoulders and mumbled an affirmation. That seemed to be enough for the woman, who quickly turned on the television in the corner, opened a file on her laptop and pressed play. She quickly left the room, turning the lights off on the way, leaving GB alone to view the film.

It was fairly lacklustre and quite boring but expanded on the program and it’s four core values. Halfway through the video, people began filing into the room and made themselves comfortable at the other chairs around the u-shaped tables. The lady from before also quietly brought in a coffee carafe and fixings for coffee. Some people around the table quietly made their way over the coffee station and got themselves a cup.

When the video finished, the light was flicked back on and the one woman from before and a new woman were seated at the front of the tables.

“Alright everyone,” the new woman said, “I think it’s about time to start the meeting. My name is Nicole-”

‘-And my name is Amy-” The other chimed in,

“-And we are your smart recovery facilitators. Let’s start with the Ground Rules.”


	2. Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! So long time no see everyone! I need to preface this by saying that I pretty much wrote this whole chapter in a few hours so that tells you how my writers block has been treating me. That, and it should be worth noting that this is an incredibly personal fic so it can be incredibly difficult to get in the proper mind space to write at all, let alone a fic like this.
> 
> This chapter features GB's first meeting and if it seems slightly preachy, that's probably because I pulled out my physical copy of the handbook to literally read straight out of so Disclaimer: the material here does not belong to me, it belongs to Smart Recovery International.
> 
> I also want to take a moment to address the goings-on of the world since I have, to some degree, of a platform to speak on. First of all #BlackLivesMatter, and if you don't agree, then I'm kind of shocked that you're a part of the Cyborg 009 fandom, a fandom in which nearly half the cyborg team in not white, and also please get out of my house, you're not welcome here. Also, as a biromantic asexual woman, if you don't support ALL LGBTQ+ rights INCLUDING Trans men and women, you can also go to that flaming garbage pile. That is all.
> 
> I hope all of you enjoy this chapter and I'm going to try and update whenever possible. Hopefully, it won't be another 6 months? But with my shitty writer's block and crippling depression who can really say lmao. I'd really appreciate any feedback you can give me (As long as it's constructive please I cry easily) <3

The one facilitator, Nicole, picked up a green laminated sheet from the table.

“For those of you who are new, basically how this goes is that I’ll read from the first point on this list I’ll pass it on to the next person and so on. You’re not required to do so and can pass on it if you like, it just stops me from having to talk for a long time and bore all of you.”

As she said, the rule sheet, and afterwards another sheet detailing what the program was and its mission, was passed around. It all seemed fairly straight forward, stating things like use is a personal matter, things are confidential, you’re personally responsible for your recovery, and thankfully, that people of all races, religion, sexual orientation or gender identity were to be respected and no hate would be tolerated. At least that was one thing he wouldn’t have to worry about when talking about his personal life. When the sheet was passed to him, he decided that it wouldn’t hurt to read. 

“Relapse is seen as a chance for practicing your new skills, not something to be ashamed of. Instead of downing yourself or using your relapse as an excuse to give up, use it to observe how you got yourself to relapse, what the triggers were and what thoughts led you to use against your better judgment.”

He listened absentmindedly for the rest of the time until it was clear that that was the end. Amy then spoke up.

“Okay, so now that that’s out of the way, let’s go around and just say your name, and a little bit about why you decided to quit, or are attempting to quit your addictive behaviours. I guess I’ll start with myself! My name is Amy, and I decided to seek help for my addictive behaviours when I got close to dying from them. When that happened, I kind of had to accept that if I didn’t change, that I wouldn’t live to see my 30th birthday which of course, was a scary thought for me.”

Nicole spoke up next nodding sympathetically to her co-facilitator.

“So, as I said earlier, I’m Nicole. I sought help for my behaviours after I got divorced because of my behaviours. I realized I needed to change if I was going to be a good mother to my son and stay a part of his life.”

GB was shocked to hear that both of the facilitators were in recovery themselves. He knew it was a possibility after what the material had said, but he truly didn’t think it would be an actual reality. The torch was passed on the next people, some speaking about not wanting to go back to prison, some also wanting to be parents to their children, or being afraid to lose their romantic partners. When it got to him, GB coughed nervously and spoke.

“My name is Grant and I’m here because I worried my family and boyfriend for the last time and they kind of made me come. I don’t know how much it’ll help me since I’ve had these issues for the last 20 years but, who knows. Maybe it’ll help.”

The facilitator’s eyebrows rose slightly but Nicole murmured smiling “Well, either way, we’re glad you’re here.”

When all of the people had spoken, Amy opened a handbook identical to the one he had been handed earlier.

“Okay, well the new people here are actually in luck because as it happens, we’re starting from the beginning of the book today, so if you can all go to page one, I’ll start reading!”  
The beginning of the book mostly continued to go over what the program was to entail and the details of different terms that they would use. After that, they moved onto the actual work.

“Essentially, an addictive behaviour is a repeated behaviour that becomes addictive when they are either a result of a pattern that becomes a ritual or habitual, becomes stronger with each time you do them, are done in the pursuit of immediate pleasure, or incur long-term costs.”

Nicole paraphrased from the guidebook slightly, attempting to ensure that everyone in the room understood what that meant.

“One of the biggest things to be careful of is what we like to call ‘PIG’, or ‘the problem with immediate gratification’ essentially, this is a pattern of behaviour that starts with a trigger leading to a thought or craving, leading to an urge and eventually that acting out of that urge. When it’s acted out, you tend to feel instantly better, but for only a short amount of time. This issue, unfortunately, is that by giving in to it, you end up strengthening an unhealthy pattern of behaviour and end up making the next trigger and urge happen much more quickly than the previous. Can everyone kind of relate to that?”

GB looked around the room at everyone nodding agreement and unfortunately, he as well couldn’t exactly argue. He had noticed that when he let himself get into spirals of binge drinking that it was more intense of an urge the next time around. 

Nicole smiled bittersweetly and continued, “I know I’ve for sure felt that pattern in my issues, the good news though, is that if we understand that pattern of thing and can learn to identify our triggers, it makes it easier and easier to stop our unhealthy patterns of thinking rather than letting those urges take over our lives. If we can do that, then we can begin to make healthier decisions in our lives.” 

Amy then took over talking next, “Alright, so one thing here at Smart is that we try our best to avoid what we call ‘unhelpful labels’. I’m sure many of you can relate to being told things like ‘you’re an alcoholic’, or that ‘you’ll battle this for the rest of your life’ or perhaps even that you’re ‘weak’ or ‘different from normal people’.” 

GB nodded with some other people in the room to some of those. He recalled some less than kind bartenders and passers-by muttering such unhelpful words to him.

“Labels like that just end up perpetuating that unhealthy cycle by creating a feeling of defeat rather than any sort of push for someone to get help. I know personally that whenever people would say things like that to me, it just made me want to use more rather than less. What’s the point of improving if you’re never going to help yourself?”

Nicole then jumped in to say something next. “Luckily, that is not the case. A lot of comforts can be found in changing the way you think about things. Instead of thinking that you can’t beat it, telling yourself that you used to have an addictive behaviour but no longer choose to act that way can begin to help. If you tell yourself that you can do it, then you are more likely to be able to do so. Now, you can’t change that overnight, but it does help to just take things day by day.”

From then on, they went on to cover things like abstinence versus moderation and stages of change. GB wasn’t sure what he should be feeling if he was honest. This all seemed like a lot to take in and a lot for him to need to change in his life. He ended up slightly zoning out during the talking, opting to just doodle on the front of his workbook with a pen instead. He listened as some of the more talkative people brought up some personal experience about their recovery.

It became clear pretty quickly that the majority of the people in the room had been there for quite a while, some of them saying they’ve been around for 6 months, while another stated she’d been coming on and off for a year. He wasn’t sure why it surprised him so much that people would stick with the program for so long.

GB was snapped out of his internal thoughts when Amy spoke up once more. “Alright! So next we have a bit of an activity for us to do before we close for the evening. If you could all pass these extra sheets around, that’d be great.”

When the sheets came to him, he found that they were labelled as “gratitude journal”, and GB couldn’t help but feel slightly excited. Of all the things that GB liked to do, journaling was pretty up there. While granted, he usually liked to journal poems, play and story ideas, he didn’t honestly mind the idea of starting a journal for his thoughts.

“So specifically, the sheets we’ve passed around are for tracking gratitude, but really, any kind of journaling can be beneficial for recovery. Specifically, the gratitude journal though has been proven to help reduce stress, increase happiness, and improve one’s self-esteem. If you write about good things that happen in your life, then you can always look back and show yourself that not everything everyday needs to be negative or ugly. It doesn’t even need to be what most people would find as a significant event, just enough that it brought some semblance of positivity to your day. We’ll give you about ten minutes to fill out your sheet and then we’ll go around the circle and talk about how it felt.”

GB looked down at the sheet and read the first question, ‘One good thing that happened to me today…’. GB thought for a moment before a small smile appeared on his face, remembering this morning when he managed to get Chang to smile. It had been pretty tense between them lately, and despite them sharing a bedroom, it had felt like so much distance had been put between them. So, when he had made some stupid joke about potatoes this morning as his boyfriend had been chopping them up for some fancy breakfast scramble, that had felt pretty good.

It turns out that coming up with things to be grateful for wasn’t actually as hard as he thought and when the discussion about the activity had come around to him, he said so. “I didn’t realize how many happy things happen day-to-day, I guess I always just end up getting wrapped up in the negatives.”

Several people nodded their heads in agreement, including the facilitators themselves. Once everyone had spoken, it was time to wrap things up.

“Alright, so I think what we’ll do is just quickly go around in a circle and say one thing that you’ll be taking home with you from this meeting.”

Some people stated that they’d take the PIG cycle to heart and many, like him said that they’d take up journaling to help.

With the meeting over, GB quickly gathered his new book and the things brought with him before making his way out of the building and back down the long ramp. He scanned the parked cars in the front of the building before he recognized the little car that belonged to the crew. GB gently opened the car door before climbing in, closing it, and snapping in his seatbelt.

“So…,” The careful, gentle voice of his boyfriend started. GB’s eyes snapped to the other man’s. “how did the meeting go honey?” It was clear that Chang was being cautious in bringing up the subject, clearly not wanting to set anything negative off.

GB removed his gaze from the other man’s and shrugged slightly. “Well, it wasn’t a complete bust. I think I can handle four more meetings at the least.”

In the corner of his eye, GB couldn’t help but notice a relieved smile flash on his boyfriend’s face. “Well, I’m really glad darling.” A gentle pat to his knee occurred before GB heard the car whir to a start. The ride back to the cyborg residence was more awkward than the brit would have liked it to be. All GB wanted, was for things to go back to normal before he managed to mess things up.

When he arrived home, he pretty headed straight to his room, stating that he was too tired to stay up any longer. When no one made any objections to his wishes, he gently closed the room behind him and went straight to his bookshelf. It took a few minutes, but eventually, he found an empty enough journal that they had barely started, tearing out a few used pages. He knew he had at least twenty minutes before his boyfriend would come to check in on him, so he wasted no time in grabbing his favourite pen and sitting at his desk, immediately beginning to write.


	3. Fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Hello! So that was a surprisingly fast chapter aha. Yeah, so I guess I've been hit with writing inspiration so hard that I ended up writing a chapter that was double the previous chapters so I ended up splitting it into 2 pieces. Unfortunately, this means that there will be a sad cliffhanger. Fortunately, this means that the answer to the sadness will come incredibly quickly because I can't sit on finished chapters for long at all.
> 
> I'm gonna warn y'all right now that this chapter involves alcoholic relapse and a whole lot of anxiety and sadness. I'm sorry in advance. Obviously alcoholism as a whole exists in the chapter.

GB woke up the next morning to, instead of the usual gentle awakening from Chang, the sunlight streaming in through the windows. While he was grateful for the extra sleep, he couldn’t stop the dangerous pang in his heart that immediately set his brain off on the anxiety spiral it tended to be set on. 

Logically, GB knew that Chang still loved him and wanted him around and that their relationship _wasn’t_ falling apart.

But when it almost seemed like your brain had a death wish, it didn’t tend to like to listen to logical reason.

GB continued to submerge himself under the covers, curling up into a refined fetal position and groaning. Maybe if he managed to fall asleep again, he could stop this spiral in his tracks.

Unfortunately, it seemed like the universe was against him today and he heard a gentle knock on the bedroom door. GB let out a quiet groan of disappointment.

“GB sweetheart? Are you awake?”

GB slowly unravelled himself from his position on the bed and poked his head up above the covers slightly. Chang smiled, though it never reached his eyes and he moved to sit on the bed.

“I thought you might have liked to come to eat breakfast with everyone, I made you your favourite…”

GB perked up ever so slightly at the idea of food, however, a part of his felt incredibly hesitant at the idea of having to socialize with everyone. Things around the cyborg house tended to be incredibly awkward as of late. Though, GB knew that he declined the offer of food, not only would it worry his significant other, but probably continue to drive a wedge between the two of them.

“A fry up?” GB asked instead, feigning more excitement than he felt. While he was hungry, he was also slightly nauseous with anxiety. He pushed the feeling away as well as he could.

Chang nodded and GB made a move to leave the bed, causing Chang to stand up.

“Just let me get dressed and I’ll make my way to the kitchen. It shouldn’t take me too long." Chang muttered a note of acknowledgement as he left the room, and as soon as the door closed behind him, GB sat down defeated on the edge of the bed. He knew that he needed to be fairly quick in his getting ready, but he just felt so defeated. The more he thought about all the pitying looks shot at him all morning, the more all GB wanted was a drink to drown out the anxiety. Why did everything always have to be so hard?

Once GB was finished his mini anxiety attack, he finished getting ready for the day, not bothering to put too much effort in his appearance, only aiming to make himself at least look slightly presentable to his family. When he entered the kitchen, everyone’s heads immediately turned in his direction. Some of the cyborgs murmured greetings to him, the ones who didn’t (Jet, G Jr. and Ivan) just waved and all quickly went back to either enjoying their meal or conversation.

Chang though greeted him with a hesitant peck on his cheek and GB allowed himself to be guided to his seat, a plate of breakfast being placed in front of him with a steaming cup of tea. GB managed to last almost two minutes of silence before the conversation ended up landing on him.

“Heeeey 007, how was the meeting last night?” Pyunma spoke up from his spot at the table. The rest of the group also turned their eyes towards him. GB couldn’t help the slight blush of embarrassment that warmed his cheeks. He shrugged nonchalantly as he used his fork to mindlessly pick at his meal.

“It was fine. I didn’t hate it so there’s that.”

He took a bite of his dish, attempting to avoid the eyes the were staring at him by instead looking down at his quickly cooling meal.

“Well, do you think you’ll be going back?” Francoise gently chimed in gently.

GB shrugged once more, trying to push down his sudden wave of irritation that came over him. It wasn’t that he was angry at his family, it was more just the fact that he was overwhelmed by all this sudden attention on him. For as dramatic of a person he was, GB had never enjoyed actual limelight outside of the stage, and especially none that brought overly personal attention.

“I made a promise and I don’t see any good in breaking it, so yeah.”

There was a heavy silence in the room and suddenly all GB wanted was for the room to swallow him completely whole. He abruptly stood up, nearly knocking his chair over and had to stop himself from literally running out of the door.

“I’m gonna go for a walk…”

He wasted no time in rushing from the room but couldn’t help but hear the tired, quiet, defeated voice of his boyfriend.

“I just don’t know what to do about him, team…”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

GB didn’t come back to the house until much later. He made sure that he sent a text to Dr. Gilmore to tell the team that he wouldn’t be back home until much later. He made no promises that he wouldn’t drink but he did promise that he’d be home before at least ten that night.

It was probably a good thing that he didn’t promise such things because it didn’t seem to take too long for his walk to lead him to some seedy bar that he had no intention of walking into.

That is until he did. I mean how much could one drink hurt. He had enough of a tolerance that unless someone smelled his breath, there was no way to tell, and considering the state of his relationship, there wasn’t much of a concern of any kissing happening any time soon. And that didn’t upset GB at all.

When he walked in, the bartender gave him a quick glance before looking back down at the dish he was washing at the sink. When GB finally sat down, the man came over, asked for his drink order and then left the cyborg to his silent drink induced panic attack for a few moments.

Why was he doing this again? Did he want to upset everyone and start his sobriety clock again? Maybe he should just leave. Walk away before he made a mistake that would make it difficult to look everyone in the eye. Stop the cycle of disappointment, anger and heartbreak before he had to do it again for the second time in the past week.

But when the drink was set down in front of him, GB realized that he was nothing but a weak man. For all that he pretended to have some semblance of restraint and discipline, under the surface that seemed to be nothing but lies. Who cares if he was leading himself the same road that he had been on when he fell from grace and was too embarrassed to face Sophie? Who cares that Sophie was just replaced with Chang in this scenario, the same feeling of not being good enough for someone so kind and wonderful who had enough issues than to need to take care of a mess of a human being?

If he really could be considered that with the number of cyborg parts that riddled his body.

So, GB did the cowardly thing and swallowed that glass in mere minutes. And when it was empty, he ordered another, and another.

When the bartender finally cut him off, thankfully being a responsible barkeep, and forced him to call someone to pick him up, he decided to call Albert.

The phone only rang once before being frantically picked up by the other cyborg.

“007 are you okay?”

GB sighed heavily, already beginning to feel emotional, and trying to force himself to sound as sober as he possibly could, choked back a wave of tears.

“At the pub…,” he mumbled. “can you pick me up? M’sorry…”

Albert, who was pretty good at masking his emotions when he wanted to, coughed, clearly trying to cover his disappointment and replied. “Yeah, I’ll be there in a few, don’t go anywhere.” And hung up.

True to his word, Albert was there within minutes, sat in the driver’s seat of the familiar cyborg car with his signature blank look of masked emotion. GB felt sick to his stomach, though he wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol talking or the massive amounts of guilt that was washing over his conscience.

Silently, GB opened the door to the car and meekly strapped himself into the seat. Instead of looking at his companion, he opted for just looking at his lap instead. Once he was in, Albert drove away.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Albert broke the tension.

“So how much did you drink tonight Grant?”

GB flinched at the use of his first name, being mixed with Albert’s stern, but low-key anger made GB just _know_ that the German was _pissed_.

GB shrugged, rubbing his hand across his face, trying to push away the tears that were just begging to fall.

“Not really sure…too much to be appropriate, I know that much.”

Albert let out a groan of frustration before lightly smacking the wheel. “Dammit, I don’t understand you. What made you want to drink tonight? What did we do?”

GB sat silently for a moment, struggling to gather his thoughts through the haze of the alcohol.

“This isn’t easy for me, okay? I’m being asked to get rid of a crutch that I’ve used for _twenty years_ Al. Do you think I was ever taught to deal with my emotions through healthy means? No. When I grew up, I had _no one, and nothing_ and then, when I got older, I used theatre and Sophie. But when I lost _both of those_ because of my own goddamn _arrogance_ and _stupidity_ , all I had to turn to was _alcohol_. That’s all I knew to do. _That’s it_.”

By the time he had stopped his rant, GB realized that tears were now clouding his vision, as well as that the car had stopped moving. When he looked up from his lap and at Albert, he realized that the other man had completely deflated. GB quickly began wiping the tears from his face. 

“Sorry, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled-“ GB began but was quickly interrupted.

“No! No, if anyone should be sorry, it’s me. I also shouldn’t have yelled, and I really shouldn’t have expected you to just be okay with everything that’s happening right now, immediately. For all that I’ve helped you through your alcoholism through the years, you’d think of anyone I should be more understanding out of anyone on the team.”

GB let out a shaky breath, sniffling. “It’s okay. There’s nothing you guys did that upset me. I’m just insecure about everything and sensitive right now. I’m mostly just worried about me and Chang though.”

Albert hummed and nodded in understanding. “Would it help if tomorrow, when you’re sober, we have one of our talks? You can just, talk to me about everything bothering you. No judgement, and minimal ‘fixing’.”

GB smiled, slightly sadly and nodded.

“Alright.”

With that out of the way, Albert turned the vehicle back on, signalled, and made his way back on the road to go back to the Cyborg house.

When they pulled in the driveway and opened the door, GB was surprised to find that the house was not only quiet, but all the lights were off.

“I told everyone to just head off to bed,” Albert informed quietly “I was hopeful that it wasn’t too intense and figured you wouldn’t want a firing squad when you walked through the door.”

GB smiled wobblily. “Thanks, Albert.”

The German patted him on the shoulder and wished him goodnight before heading into his bedroom. GB took a deep breath as he headed to his and Chang’s joint room and as quietly as possible snuck himself in, closing the door behind him. If he was lucky, his counterpart was already asleep or would have the mercy to at least pretend he was.

As quiet as he could, GB got ready for bed, trying to not wobble and fall over in his inebriated state. When he was at least not clothed in his outfit for the day, he crawled under the covers and found himself staring at his partners back in the dark.

Suddenly another wave of sadness and fear washed over GB as he couldn’t help the silent tears begin to drip from his eyes. He couldn’t help but now feel the fear of losing another person in his life due to his mistakes. Soon he was quietly sobbing, and he couldn’t help himself from reaching forward and clutching onto Chang as if he was a lifeline. A drowsy, but concerned voice spoke up. 

“Grant...?”

His name being spoken just made GB cry even harder and he felt Chang turn in his grip and arms envelop him, a gentle touch rubbing up and down his back in comfort. No one spoke that night, but GB found himself falling asleep in his boyfriend’s arms. He wished that it made him feel better about the state of their relationship, but it really didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I promise things will get better in the next chapter which will come out right away.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments, all constructive criticism is welcome.


	4. Repair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnnd here's part two! This is in which people talk through their feelings like adults.
> 
> Once again, the previous warnings always apply.

The next day he found himself once again alone, and worse, with a painful pound in his head. Luckily, a quick look at his nightstand showed that Chang, the wonderful and kind man that he was, had left him a glass of water and a painkiller for his headache. Upon further inspection, he was surprised to find a note placed next to the gift.

_Grant,_

_Take this for your headache, I’m sure it can’t be pretty. I love you so much, and I promise I’m not angry with you. We’ll talk later like adults. Come have breakfast, please._

_Chang_

♥

GB sniffled as he read the note and downed the glass of water with the pill. He then got dressed quickly, attempting to ignore the still pounding in his head from the night before, begging silently for its medicinal magic to do its work quickly. 

Before making his way out though, he moved to his bookshelf where he had hidden his journal in and took it out, opening it up to a new page. After writing and trying to sort out his overwhelming emotions in a completely disorganized manner, hoping to be more prepared for everything he’d have to face than the day before, he hid the book again and got up.

GB hesitantly poked his head outside, trying to get a feel for the situation outside of his room. His alarm clock on his nightstand had told him that it was only 09:32 in the morning and that he hadn’t slept in nearly as much as the day before. This meant he was going to be expected to eat with his family. The would-be upsetting but considering his stomach had just reminded him that all he’d eaten yesterday was a few bites of the breakfast and a stomach full of alcohol, he couldn’t afford to not eat.

The quick look outside showed the usual morning ritual of Francoise holding Ivan on the couch, while Joe sat next to her chatting, as well as Albert sitting on the living room chair reading a newspaper. He figured maybe he could slip by himself to the kitchen to grab something with caffeine, even if it meant he had to face the music with Chang.

When he finally found himself timidly slipping into the kitchen, he was met with an incredibly heartbreaking sight. Chang was, of course, in there busily preparing food for the whole team, but instead of his usual cheery self who would hum and dance slightly to a tune on the radio, he was met with silence and a man who was moving slower than usual.  
GB willed himself to not cry and slowly walked in, heading for the kettle.

“Good morning…” GB greeted, flinching at how almost scared his voice sounded. He grabbed the kettle and watched as Chang looked up, almost in surprise for a moment, before he slammed down as much of a wall of stoicism as Chang Changku could ever muster.

“Good morning Grant, how are you feeling?”

GB shrugged slightly as he filled the kettle up using the tap and made his way over to the stove. “I feel better now that I’ve taken painkillers. Thanks for leaving one by the way. I appreciate it.”

He placed the metal on the stove on one of the smaller burners than he figured wouldn’t be in the way of meal prep and switched the element on. GB couldn’t help but notice the small smile that appeared on Chang’s face for only a moment before it quickly faded away.

“You’re welcome…I’m sure you feel crappy enough as it is, I wouldn’t want you to feel any worse.”

Not knowing what else to do, or say to that, GB opted instead to walk over to Chang and gently wrap his arm around the smaller man. 

“I’m really sorry…you don’t deserve any of this. You’re too good.”

Chang made a choking noise of surprise as he clutched at GB back and shook his head.

“Please don’t say stuff like that. I’m with you because I want to be.”

GB swallowed and pressed his face into the top of Chang’s head, causing his back to bend over slightly.

“I promise, tonight we’ll talk about this, but Albert offered to talk to me first and I want to sort my feelings out first before I try to explain them to you. Lord knows that when I talk before, I think, things don’t ever really end up well.”

Chang nodded and pulled GB closer. They didn’t notice how long they were holding each before they were both shocked out of their moment by the sound of the kettle whistling. Sadly, GB gently extracted himself from the hug and pressed a gentle kiss to Chang’s forehead before moving to make himself his cup of tea.

“Would you like some help with breakfast?”

Chang shook his head. “No, I think I’ve got it, it’s okay. You go relax.”

GB couldn’t help but feel a pang at the rejection of his help. It was always their thing to cook together, and it was almost like these past two days he’d been pushed out of the kitchen kingdom. Instead of saying anything, he finished making his cup of tea and forced a smile.

“Alright, let me know if you change your mind.”

After receiving an affirmative, GB grabbed his mug and decided to make his way outside to get some fresh air before breakfast.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Breakfast ended up going well with no drama, but once everything had been cleaned up and everyone was sent to enjoy the rest of the day, GB had been pulled aside by Albert to go for a walk. A real one today.

GB hadn’t felt like talking much until they found a quiet bench in a park not too far from their house. Without really saying he wanted to stop, GB just sat and placed both of his hands on his knees. Albert said nothing, just wordlessly sitting next to the other cyborg and looking at the park scenery. 

GB spent a few moments to organize his thoughts and take a few steadying breaths.

“It’s okay GB, take as much time as you need, there’s no rush.”

“I’m just so scared that I’ve screwed everything up with Chang…”

Albert glanced over with a questioning look. “What do you mean?”

GB sighed, placing his face in his hands. “Chang has just been…so wary lately. It just feels like he doesn’t want to spend time with me like he’s worried about setting me off as if I’m some ticking time bomb, and it’s starting to feel less like we’re a couple and more like… I don’t know, a parent almost. I just want things to go back to how they were. And if they don’t, what if it’s just over? What if he breaks up with me? I don’t know what I would do, he means too much to me.”

It wasn’t until GB stopped speaking that he realized that he was starting to hyperventilate and curl into himself. Immediately, Albert stepped into action. 

“Woah, hey, GB it’s okay, take deep breaths. Everything is gonna be okay. Is it okay if I touch your back?”

GB nodded as he sobbed and attempted to inhale. Albert reached over and gently placed a hand on his back, rubbing gently.

“Hey, it’s okay. Just focus on breathing for a minute.”

Once GB had gotten control over his breath, a while later, Albert moved his hand to GB’s shoulder instead and spoke gently.

“Alright, first, relationships have their tough spots, especially when you’re going through something as difficult as you are right now. Second, Chang is a grown man who I _know_ is willing to stand with you through this no matter hard as it is right now. He wouldn’t string you along if he was done with the relationship, but he’s also not going to panic and run-away being things got a little difficult. He knew who you were when you started dating, and while the extent of your alcohol issues is more than we expected, he was clearly more than prepared to help you on this journey. As for the ‘parenting’ I think that’s just Chang. You know as well as I do that he’s almost the ‘mom’ of the group.”

GB couldn’t really argue with any of that and he nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Grant, I really think you ought to just talk to him about this. I’m certain Chang needs to talk to you about this almost as much as you do. Neither of you are ever going to feel any better unless you talk with him.”

GB absorbed all of that for a moment before responding. “Yeah, I promised I’d talk with him tonight about everything, so I’ll do it then.”

Albert nodded. “Good. Now, is there anything else bugging you that you want to talk about?”

GB thought for a moment before shaking his head. “Not at the current moment. There’s more to go through, but I think I’m just gonna try to deal with one issue at a time. Thanks for listening. And you know, comforting me through the freakout.” GB smiled at Albert.

Albert smiled and stood up. “Alright. I just want you to know that next time you’re upset you can come to talk to me. I won’t be upset, and I’d rather do that than come pick you up at the bar. Okay?”

GB stood up as well and nodded. “Sounds good. Thanks, Al.”

As they wandered back to cyborg house, they opted instead to make jokes and talk about less serious things. It almost felt normal.

_________________________________________________________________________

It wasn’t until the late evening that Chang and GB sat down for their talk. Everyone by then had already gone to bed and the two, carrying two warm mugs of hot chocolate curled up next to one another against the headboard of their bed, tucking their legs under their covers. 

The two of them were silent for a few minutes, sipping at the foam at the top of the mugs and chewing on their marshmallows due to the rest of the drink being way too hot for consumption.

GB eventually realized that it should probably be him to initiate the conversation and he set his mug on the coaster on his nightstand. He tucked knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

“I’m scared,” GB admitted quietly, hoping he was loud enough for the other to hear despite his timid demeanour in expressing it. He heard a sad noise come from beside him as well as the sound of the other’s mug being set down. It didn’t take long for him to feel arms around him in a comforting embrace.

“It’s okay to be scared GB. I think we all are. Especially in the lives that we live. If you weren’t scared, I’d be concerned.”

“Chang, I know that we already talked about how we didn’t want to lose each other but I just can’t help but continue to be afraid. Even if I am going to these meetings and trying to stop drinking, It doesn’t help that I’m not going to get better any time soon. This is gonna be a problem that won’t go away overnight. I’ve learned to lean on this for my way to deal with my pain and my failures and self-disgust and I have to unlearn that.”

GB leaned his head against Chang attempting to get some physical comfort from the man he loved. “I guess with all that, I’m afraid that this will be too much of you worrying and wanting to take care of me, which I _know_ is what you do, but what happens when that’s too much to deal with? I know I’m not the easiest man to be with ever. I’m just so scared that things with you will end and I’ll have lost not only _one_ person whom I loved with all my heart, but two. I just don’t know how I would handle that.”

GB felt movement at his side and he felt his face become cupped in the other man’s hands, his eyes meeting Chang’s.

“You listen to me, and you listen to me good Grant Brighten. You are everything I have ever wanted, and if you honestly think that I would _ever_ give up on you or what we have then I’m going to need to remind you that Chang Changku is _not_ one to give up on the people that he loves. And _that_ is a promise mister.”

GB smiled for a moment before his smile dropped off and he averted his gaze. “What about not wanting me around to cook in the mornings?”

Chang gasped lightly before he maneuvered his face to latch onto GB’s gaze again. GB looked more scared and vulnerable than he was usually ever comfortable with sharing usually. “Hey, it’s not that I didn’t want your help, I just thought I’d let you take a break from helping. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, honey…”

“Oh.” A blush of embarrassment began to stain GB’s cheeks. “It’s just that I really enjoy spending time with you in the morning. I like helping, it gives me some purpose.”

Chang’s eyebrows rose in surprise and he slid his hands down to GB’s and gave a tiny squeeze. “Well, then I won’t make the mistake of denying you that anymore, okay?”

GB smiled brighter than he had in days and leaned in to give his boyfriend a small peck. He then reached over to the nightstand and grabbed his mug, taking a big swig of the quickly cooling beverage. “What do you think, reading and cuddles until we get too sleepy?”

Chang smiled brightly back and nodded. Things were obviously not perfect between the two of them, but thankfully they were finally back on the same page again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks for reading! If you can, I'd really appreciate any feedback you can give me! I have no idea when the next chapter will come out, the fact that I have updated 3 chapters within a weekish is just....ridiculous. If you're still here, thanks for sticking with me in this crazy fic!

**Author's Note:**

> If you or a loved one are experiencing what GB and I are, please reach out for help. Life is much better lived safe and sober and there will always be people willing to lend you a hand. If you are interested in the smart recovery program and want to see if there are any meetings near you, here are some links to find just that.  
> https://www.smartrecoveryinternational.org/  
> http://www.smartrecovery.ca/  
> https://www.smartrecovery.org/  
> http://www.smartrecovery.ca/links.html


End file.
